1140ml/2 pints whole milk

6 free-range eggs

50g/2oz caster sugar

1 vanilla pod, split

20 fresh cherries, stones removed and halved

Just A Splash brandy

cocoa powder, for dusting

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• Place the milk, eggs, sugar and vanilla pod in a medium pan and heat gently, without boiling, until the mixture thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon.

• The egg nog can be chilled at this stage or served hot.

• To serve, scatter the cherries in the bottom of each serving glass. Divide the brandy between the glasses and pour the egg nog over. Dust with cocoa powder and serve.

150 grams currants

150 grams sultanas

150 grams roughly chopped prunes

175 millilitres pedro ximenez sherry

100 grams plain flour

125 grams fresh breadcrumbs

150 grams suet

150 grams dark brown muscovado sugar

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

¼ teaspoon ground cloves

1 teaspoon baking powder

grated zest of 1 lemon

3 large eggs

1 medium cooking apple (peeled and grated)

2 tablespoons honey

Just A Splash vodka (to flame the pudding)

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You will need a 1.7 litre/3 pint/1½ quart heatproof plastic pudding basin with a lid, and also a sprig of holly to decorate.

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1. Although I stipulate a capacious 1.7 litre/3 pint/1½ quart basin, and cannot extol the utter gloriousness of this pud too much, I know that you’re unlikely to get through most of it, even half of it, at one sitting. But I like the grand, pride instilling size of this, plus it’s wonderful on following days, microwaved in portionsafter or between meals, with leftover Eggnog Cream, or fried in butter and eaten with vanilla ice cream for completely off-the-chart, midnight-munchy feasts. But it wouldn’t be out of the question – and it would certainly be in the spirit of the season – to make up the entire quantity of mixture, and share between smaller basins – a 2 pint/1 quart one for you, a 1 pint/½ quart one to give away. Three hours’ steaming both first and second time around should do it; just keep the one pudding for yourself, and give the other to a friend, after it’s had its first steaming, and is cool, with the steaming instructions for Christmas Day.

2. Put the currants, sultanas and scissored prunes into a bowl with the Pedro Ximénez, swill the bowl a bit, then cover with clingfilm and leave to steep overnight or for up to 1 week.

3. When the fruits have had their steeping time, put a large pan of water on to boil, or heat some water in a conventional steamer, and butter your heatproof plastic pudding basin (or basins), remembering to grease the lid, too.

4. In a large mixing bowl, combine all the remaining pudding ingredients (except the vodka), either in the traditional manner or just any old how; your chosen method of stirring, and who does it, probably won’t affect the outcome of your wishes or your Christmas.

5. Add the steeped fruits, scraping in every last drop of liquor with a rubber spatula, and mix to combine thoroughly, then fold in cola-cleaned coins or heirloom charms. If you are at all frightened about choking-induced fatalities at the table, do leave out the hardware.

6. Scrape and press the mixture into the prepared pudding basin, squish it down and put on the lid. Then wrap with a layer of foil (probably not necessary, but I do it as I once had a lid-popping and water-entering experience when steaming a pudding) so that the basin is watertight, then either put the basin in the pan of boiling water (to come halfway up the basin) or in the top of a lidded steamer (this size of basin happens to fit perfectly in the top of my all-purpose pot) and steam for 5 hours, checking every now and again that the water hasn’t bubbled away.

7. When it’s had its 5 hours, remove gingerly (you don’t want to burn yourself) and, when manageable, unwrap the foil, and put the pudding in its basin somewhere out of the way in the kitchen or, if you’re lucky enough, a larder, until Christmas Day.

8. On the big day, rewrap the pudding (still in its basin) in foil and steam again, this time for 3 hours. Eight hours combined cooking time might seem a faff, but it’s not as if you need to do anything to it in that time.

9. To serve, remove from the pan or steamer, take off the lid, put a plate on top, turn it upside down and give the plastic basin a little squeeze to help unmould the pudding. Then remove the basin – and voilà, the Massively Matriarchal Mono Mammary is revealed. (Did I forget to mention the Freudian lure of the pudding beyond its pagan and Christian heritage?)

10. Put the sprig of holly on top of the dark, mutely gleaming pudding, then heat the vodka in a small pan (I use my diddy copper butter-melting pan) and the minute it’s hot, but before it boils – you don’t want the alcohol to burn off before you attempt to flambé it – turn off the heat, strike a match, stand back and light the pan of vodka, then pour the flaming vodka over the pudding and take it as fast as you safely can to your guests. If it feels less dangerous to you (I am a liability and you might well be wiser not to follow my devil-may-care instructions), pour the hot vodka over the pudding and then light the pudding. In either case, don’t worry if the holly catches alight; I have never known it to be anything but singed.

11. Serve with the Eggnog Cream, which you can easily make - it's the work of undemanding moments - while the pudding's steaming.

2 celery sticks , trimmed and roughly chopped 

2 carrots , roughly sliced 

2 onions , peeled and quartered 

5 fresh bay leaves 

5 fresh sage leaves 

4 sprigs of fresh rosemary 

2 star anise 

2 rashers of smoked streaky bacon , the best quality you can afford 

8 higher-welfare chicken wings 

olive oil 

sea salt 

freshly ground black pepper 

4 tablespoons plain flour 

Just A Splash sherry or port

2 heaped dessert spoons cranberry sauce , for finishing

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1. Preheat the oven to 200ºC/400ºF/gas 6. Put the veg, herbs and star anise into a sturdy bottomed roasting tray. Scatter the bacon on top. Break the chicken wings open then put them onto a board and bash the bones up with the end of a rolling pin; this will release more of their flavour. Put them in the pan, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle over a few pinches of salt and pepper then toss everything together and put the tray in the oven to cook for 1 hour, or until the meat is tender and falling off the bone. 

2. Take the pan out of the oven, and put it on a hob over a low heat and use a potato masher to really grind and mash everything up. Keep mashing, moving and scraping all the goodness from the bottom of the pan as you go. Gradually mix in the flour to thicken the mixture. The longer you let everything fry, the darker your gravy will be. When the flour is combined pour in 2 litres of hot water, turn the heat up and bring to the boil for 10 minutes, till thickened, then turn down the heat and simmer for about 25 minutes, stirring occasionally. If you want to add 60ml sherry or port for flavour, do that now. 

3. When it’s reached the consistency you’re looking for, check the seasoning then push it through a sieve into a large bowl. Really push and mash everything through so you get as much flavour as possible. Discard anything left behind. Once it has cooled down to room temperature put it into containers or freezer bags and pop it in your freezer. You’ll finish it off on Christmas Day. 

4. To finish the gravy, take your it out of the freezer when you’re ready to cook your turkey. That way, it will defrost as your turkey cooks. When the turkey is perfectly cooked, put a carving fork inside the cavity and use that to pick the bird up and tilt it over the pan so all of the juices inside run out. 

5. Spoon away as much of the fat as possible, then pour your pre-made gravy into the pan with the rest of the turkey juices. Bring it to the boil over the hob and scrape all those flavourful bits and pieces from the bottom of the pan. Have a taste then add the cranberry sauce. It won’t taste sweet but it will add a wicked background flavour. 

6. Once your gravy is piping hot, strain it through a sieve and into a pan. Leave that on the lowest heat to tick away until you’re ready to serve. Skim away any fat that rises to the top and add any extra resting juices from the turkey before serving.

150g caster sugar

2 star anise

4 green cardamom pods, lightly crushed

250g fresh cranberries

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

2 Braeburn apples, peeled, cored and chopped

Just A Splash port

Finely grated zest and juice of 1 orange

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1. Put the sugar into a heavy-based pan with the star anise and cardamom pods and melt over a medium heat.

2. Allow the melted sugar to turn a rich caramel colour, then add the cranberries and a touch of seasoning.

3. Cook briefly until the cranberries begin to soften, then add the apples and cook for three to four minutes, tossing frequently to coat the fruit in the caramel.

4. Pour in the port, then reduce the heat slightly and stir in the orange zest and juice. Simmer for about 10 minutes, allowing some of the cranberries to break down and thicken the sauce.

5. Remove from the heat and discard the star anise and cardamom. Serve warm.

This can be made three to four days in advance and kept in the fridge.